


To Exorcise or to Exercise

by RAW_SYNTH3TICA



Category: Tekken
Genre: Bigotry & Prejudice, Comedy, Comfort, Crack, Crack Relationships, Emotional Constipation, Fluff and Humor, Food, Kidnapping, M/M, Male Slash, Pansexual Character, Post-Canon, Religion, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Slim Bob - Freeform, Sweet, Weight Issues, spoilers?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-17 05:41:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13070307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RAW_SYNTH3TICA/pseuds/RAW_SYNTH3TICA
Summary: During the 7th tournament, Claudio comes across Bob - Bob loves food, that much is apparent when he leaves a scary first impression on the Italian Exorcist.*rating will change when last chapter is posted*





	To Exorcise or to Exercise

**Author's Note:**

> ALL IS FICTIONAL & NOT MINE.

Before the start of the tournament, he was on his knees, hands clasped and head bowed, his mind deep in a meditative state all the while the familiar ripple of holy power coursed through his veins, circling from his heart to his right fist in an endless cycle.

“Hey, buddy,” a meaty paw good-naturedly slapped his shoulder, Claudio glanced up toward the source and saw a rotund belly hanging over his face – the owner of the Kuma-sized belt belonged to an enthusiastic american, “You need to check out the buffet. It's the greatest!”

“The pineapple suki-yaki's top-notch,” Bob, Claudio's minions had already done their research on his prospective targets – he was unamused by Bob's apparent happiness having up-ended the poor Honolulu Yeah! Yeah! Paradise restaurant, “That guy should never leave the kitchen, I tell you.”

'I'll pray for you,' Claudio thought to himself of Bob whilst he stood and felt an adherent _squish!_ beneath his loafers, his lips tightened at the sight of a bright red stain on his heel, a pop sounded in his head and he snapped, “Blast this unholy condiment to Hell!”

“No problem,” Bob chuckled and simply knelt, propping Claudio's spoiled foot atop his knee, then using a sizable lobster bib and a wet-nap to wipe away the tomato sauce – Claudio endured patiently, his anger sapped away by Bob's child-like enthusiasm – the last drop wiped away, Bob stood and pocketed the dirty lobster bib, he gave an off balance solute and beamed, “Try the horseradish relish, it won't stain as badly.”

Claudio narrowed his eyes, not quite glaring spitefully or leering suspiciously, he was too busy counting stray stains littered over the front of Bob's Hawaiian shirt: suki-yaki spill here, mandarin chicken jelly there, chocolate matcha schmere over yonder and barbecue sauce...couldn't the man find his _mouth_? It could hardly be impossible since it looked to be the most used body part, aside from Bob's beard which seemed it was once a fuzzy pastry blender – Claudio's jaw dropped.

“Sir-” Bob shook Claudio's shoulder, he carefully picked up the unresponsive fighter and was careful not to let the pristine white attire touch his own shirt, the food found spots all over his clothing and let it not be known that he did _try_ to keep clean, the bibs and kerchiefs were meant for model-types like Leo and Lili (and Law and Lee and Ling Xiaoyu) not not for the robust of appetite like Kuma and himself – he bid a quick farewell and continued on his way to the next tournament stage, “It's not safe to stand in traffic.”

“Such a waste-” regaining his composure, Claudio strode into the aforementioned restaurant and wrinkled his nose in disgust, a pile of dishes awaited on a tabletop, and yet, the plates were _licked clean_ , he found a messed kerchief with only a singular dollop of ketchup; out of curiosity, Claudio dipped a tentative finger in and suckled the sauce off his gloved fingertip – he observed after swallowing down the sweet tang, “-sacrificing that beautiful tomato and pulverizing it into liquid candy.”

Seeing Bob in the flesh, smacking his pink lips and blowing out his round cheeks, was as off-putting as a Mishima-styled fundoshi on the King of Iron Fist Tournament 4 mega-screen – Claudio knew he was getting ahead of himself, he also knew from various intel that Bob could be kind and at times vain – and yet a small kindness could not overshadow the american fighter's apparent possession of the demon Gluttony and Pride.

Bob's fighting style was anything but slothful, his outward appearance bringing to mind anything but envy, but his immaculate blend of weight and muscle, speed and strength to measure or how Bob was able to _balance_ all four disciplines was a damn _miracle_ – he stood witness in the furthest stage's wing unseen, observing, watching Bob take a tackle from Kuma and ultimately stealing the victory through rage – Bob slung Kuma's arm over his shoulder and announced happily, “C'mon, cuddles. I know a great joint not far from here. My treat!”

His match next against Xiaoyu, Claudio put all other thoughts aside and focused on the girl whom was Jin Kazama's valuable acquaintance.

\- -

“It's been a month and six days – no sign of the Devil's vessel,” once more in the quiet of the Sirius altar of worship, Claudio held the silver ram's head amulet against his lips, his words becoming one with the scented air – he spoke to his Lord, nothing promising, nothing too alarming, his actions since the end of the seventh Tournament being of a singular minor success, “The girl refuses to speak, she won't answer my questions. All her incessant cowing being of Jin.”

Shortly after defeating Xiaoyu in the arena, Claudio was very lenient about allowing the girl a private room along with food and internet – but she was a thorn in his side if she so insisted on fighting his minions during every meal delivery and clothing change – aside from her oddities, he resolved never to harm a pure spirit, especially one whom seemed to be drawn to him in the slightest.

“Tell me, Lord, what I’ve done wrong to have brought a fruitless plague upon the Holy Archers of Sirius. Pass unto me your Holy command if I've strayed Your reverent will so erroneously,” Claudio intoned quietly, lest he disturb the peace of the altar – knowing what must be done to appease his Lord's dissatisfaction, Claudio withdrew a dagger from his wrist, he unbound the many layers upon his right forearm until there lay his skin, he pressed the blade unto his bare muscle and gave his wholehearted promise, “I shall ask forgiveness with my body, for it was You whom gifted me your Holy insight and spared me from the Perdition despite the cursed blood I bear-”

Claudio heard a cry and deduced it was the blade whispering to his untouched skin, the hollering grew louder, he simply pressed the blade harder with the intent to cut just deeply enough to bring forth blood – a body crashed through the stained glass and landed atop a stack of vacant pews into a tangle of spindly limbs – then came a single moan, “Ow.”

Before anger burned up his previous thoughts, Claudio said quickly if his Lord was still present thusfar, “Un momento.”

Bob lifted his left arm from his eyes and shifted to the side, he pulled a tiny squirming bundle from his cuddled position – the little runty puppy licked his face and padded away, he wobbled to a stand at the same moment his stomach decided to seize into a cramp – such was his luck: get lost during the tournament, lose his wallet, fight Kuma for the salmon, lose a hundred pounds during the fight.

“Hey,” Bob stumbled, Claudio's arms shot out and caught him around the waist, the cramps intensified to apocalyptic extremes – he stared Claudio straight in the eye and groaned, “I'm so hungry I could swallow a horse-”

Claudio saw Bob's pained face strongly resembling one softened from pleasure, though he never previously saw a man so stupid and handsome, he _swore_ that he had seen this particular man before – being a Holy Archer, one was never restricted to allowing himself pleasure, only if the means possible were _charitable_ and an act of _selflessness_ – Claudio licked his lips and whispered against the strange american's ear, “Right this way.”

**Author's Note:**

> big Bob is awesome, slim Bob is so adorable...wish he could make an appearance in the 7th game 
> 
> *i forgot Ganryu's restaurant name, so just made on up on the spot


End file.
